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Banking Bonuses and the I’m A Celebrity Cream Tea Mutiny

December 4, 2009

You couldn’t make it up. But we did (sort of, with this post). Now, though, with immaculate timing given that the Banker Awards 2009 have just been published, we learn of massive bonuses at Lloyds and the threatened resignation of the RBS board unless bonuses were paid. Executives at Lloyds and RBS are convinced of the divinity of their mission. Not for them obeisance to the court of public opinion, still less the strategems and ruses of PR apparatchiks eager to revive a modicum of faith in the banking sector. And you know what? Their tactics will work. Their Christmases will be enriched by more than a mere kiss under the mistletoe. But why? The secret, dear readers, lies in popular TV. We bring you an exclusive transcript of the moment banking’s main men devised their masterplan.

The Scene: A penthouse suite in a sumptuous hotel overlooking the Thames. Gathered within, sipping champagne as they prepare for an awards ceremony, are sundry senior bankers from Lloyds and RBS.

RBS Senior Banker No. 1: I hate these moments of expectation. It’s the waiting that does my head in. I mean, couldn’t they just tell us if we’ve won an award or not? Then if we haven’t we could get all get blotto without having to worry about making dodgy comments to the media.

RBS Senior Banker No. 2: I agree. It’s like a jungle in here. Pass the champagne, will you?

Lloyds Supremo No. 3: I think we’re getting the prizes this year. We lost fewer jobs than you. And our small print was smaller. Shall we watch the television?

RBS Senior Banker No. 1: I fear you’re right. You lot will scoop everything. Damn it, let’s see what’s on and have another drink.

A junior person scuttles forth and turns on the television. The assembled throng find themselves watching one of the Iceland ads which precedes ITV’s I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.

Lloyds Supremo No. 2: That food looks good. Tasteful ad, too.

RBS Senior Banker No. 2: Yes, not bad, is it? Is that Jason Donovan?

But before debate can be engaged I’m A Celebrity is before them. The throng apprehend that a serious controversy is unveiling – none other than the now legendary Cream Tea Mutiny.

Gino d’Acampo (for it is he): I have the power. Give me five tea and scones or I take my microphone off. I won’t play anymore and I’ll convince the others not to. You know I have the power to do that.

Seconds later.

Kim Woodburn (for it is she): Now look, luvvies, I’m taking this microphone off if I don’t have tea with my scone. You wouldn’t go to a hotel and have three teas and scones for a party of five, now would you? It’s humiliating! I won’t play anymore unless I get my way.

Announcer: But you’re not in a hotel. You’re in a jungle.

All Celebs: Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter. We’re not playing. Give us our tea! Give us our scones! Or WE’RE NOT PLAYING!

An ad break arrives. As the throng salivate over Icleand’s delicacies, their PRs huddle in a corner. Allowing due time for Iceland’s ad to finish – for to interrupt it would be to cause consternation among their already overwrought superiors – suddenly they leap up and stand in front of the TV.

RBS PR Exec: What they’re doing is brilliant.

Lloyds PR Exec: I agree. It’s world class.

RBS PR Exec: You see, they’re calling their paymasters’ bluff.

Lloyds PR Exec: It’s a rarely seen tactic but you can find it in textbooks about ‘Extreme PR Moves in Jungles’ by Ms K. Price. It’s the authority in this area and leads inexorably to cash bonanzas.

An Iceland ad presaging the return of I’m A Celebrity is on. Obviously, the throng is distracted, but how much more so when, as they watch the series proper, they realise that D’Acampo, Woodburn, White et al (who were the other two? Ed.) have prevailed!

RBS Senior Banker No. 1: Genius. Are you saying that we should tell the government we’re not going to play any more?

RBS PR Exec: Not in so many words. Just say: “We will resign unless we get our bonuses.”

Lloyds Supremo No. 1: Masterly. Masterful. A masterplan. We will covertly indicate that we will do likewise if there’s even a hint of governmental disequilibrium about our much deserved annual enrichment.

A pleasing sense of tranquillity settles over the room. The throng nestles, as one, in a large sofa. They are bankers, united, staring at the remaining cast of I’m A Celebrity (who were they? Ed.), dreaming of all the Iceland products their brilliant plan will buy. As it always does, an intermission brings another Iceland break.

All: Tea and scones! We love ‘em!

Exuent all for an awards ceremony.

Image courtesy of Flickr user mpieraaci.