Five things that might happen on Christmas Day

December 23, 2010
Beckett_Murphy

Unlike the rest of the country, the Swordplay labyrinth remains open for business even on Christmas Day. Not for us turkey, too much bubbly, a slavish devotion to the Queen’s Speech and unfettered indolence, but instead the usual tireless commitment to the PR grind.

But as we watch Christmas Day come and go, we will be looking out for the following five things. Sources tell us that one of them, at least, will come to pass.

1. The Assange Conversion

Anarchist hero Julian Assange will wake up on Christmas morning and repent of his ego. “Who do I think I am, after all?” he will ask himself. “What gave me the right to decide what should be leaked and what left secret? Let’s face it, even I am not God. I must say sorry to the American president and ask his forgiveness.” Thereafter he flees his bail house, plea bargain in hand.

2. The Clegg Calvary

Doyen of the middle classes but not the Daily Mail, who hate him, Nick Clegg will write a cheque on Christmas Day. The payee is ‘All Students’ and the amount is £1.30. “Like Dave, I need to be tough on students,” are the words Mr Clegg will utter to his Spanish wife, as she gives him his Christmas stocking. “They’re all a bunch of spongers after all. £1.30 is an insult, yes, but as Dr Cable says, we are at war with Mr Murdoch, so why not?”

3. The Rooney Revelation

“I am overpaid,” says Wayne Rooney. “Please help me. I must return to my roots.” But no one is listening.

4. The Sun Shines (on the nothing new)

Weather experts predict a white Christmas in some parts of the UK, a blue one in others and, at night, a black one. Such is the inexactitude of meteorology, for which we, the taxpayer, pay hand over fist. But in a break from centuries-old tradition, The Sun will publish a digital edition on Christmas Day. ["Is there a covert reference to a Beckett novel here? Or perhaps even The Song of Solomon?" Ed.]

5. The Blair Witch Pericope

In a centuries-old break with tradition, Prime Minister Blair will inform his family that a pericope is an individual passage within the gospels, with a distinct beginning and ending, so that it forms an independent literary unit. Suitably enlightened, the Blair family will then sit down to watch a DVD, given by Cherie, about a group of young people let loose in the corridors of power with just a video camera, the power of love and a belief in social media to their name.

[Ed's note: Enough. Those in labyrinth can leave now. Everyone, even the anarchist heroes of the world, needs time off. It only remains for me to wish all of Swordplay's loyal readers a most excellent Christmas and a prosperous New Year. Goodbye.]

 

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If you’re Joey Barton, attack is not the best form of defence

May 17, 2012

Interesting times, these, in the life of Joey Barton.

If the violence displayed by the QPR captain at Manchester City last Sunday was remarkable, his subsequent conduct on Twitter has been astonishing. Barton appears to have radically reinterpreted the notion that attack is the best form of defence, lashing out at all and sundry via a series of tweets whose ultimate effect is entirely self-destructive.

In the past 24 hours, Barton has accepted one charge of violent conduct at the Etihad Stadium but denied another. The FA seems set to throw the book at him, and his club has declared that it will deal with the matter after the result of the FA investigation. Conspiracy theorists might conclude that QPR’s management team and board hope that the FA ban Barton for so long a period (four months and more) that their reported desire to rip up his contract can only be bolstered.

What, then, should Barton do? Should he:

(a) Keep his head down and say nothing, or

(b) Issue a sensible statement in which he acknowledges that both his conduct at the Etihad and subsequent tweets have brought QPR into disrepute, and

(c) Add an apology to said statement, or

(d) Go to Portugal, log onto Twitter and tweet that the world is against him but that he doesn’t care because everyone is a moron and he’s worked really hard to get where he is and if anyone is nasty to him again he is going to expose their secrets.

The answer is not (d).

The moral of the story is that if you’re a loose cannon, when you turn attack into defence there is a danger that you will blow yourself up.

Gunning foglessly for clarity

May 15, 2012

A fine piece, this, on Winston Churchill’s gift for language and the obscurantism that goes with so much corporate communication.

But wait, what’s this? Could this injunction have been phrased rather more successfully:

Be concrete, not abstract. Use metaphors to get your message across.

Metaphors are, by definition, not exactly concrete. But be that as it may: there is a lot of sound advice in Clare Lynch’s piece and a revelation, too. We had never heard of the Gunning Fog Index.  But it exists, and reveals the age at which someone would have to leave full-time education to understand given text.

We’re pleased to display our own Gunning Fog rating for the above words. That of the Churchill speech cited by Ms Lynch was 9.698.

The Gunning Fog index is 9.585

Spin at the Leveson Inquiry

May 9, 2012
Leveson witch hunt

The idea that Lord Justice Leveson and his Inquiry’s QC, Robert Jay, are in need of PR advice is intriguing.

Surely their respective tasks ought to be immune from spin? Then again, perhaps the way in which they execute them is deserving of some communications advice. Either way, times have changed. A similar inquiry from yesteryear (and such do exist) would surely not have been accompanied, albeit informally, by communications advice.

Pictured courtesy of this Flickr user: a portrait of the Leveson Inquiry.