The scene: A windowless office deep within the White City labyrinth that is the home of the BBC. There we see Russell Brand, the famous comic genius, deep in thought as he contemplates a fascinating topic – his navel. His reverie is interrupted by the appearance of famous television presenter Jonathan Ross, who is accompanied by the BBC’s not so famous chief lawyer.
Brand: I know what you’re going to say.
Ross: Bet you don’t.
Brand: Bet I do.
Ross: Bet you don’t.
Brand: How much?
Ross: A postage stamp for the letter we’ve got to send to Andrew Sachs.
Brand: You’re on.
The pair of amusing men shake hands. Ross quips that having sealed the bet in front of the BBC’s lawyer, it is binding. Finally, after five minutes during which they are convulsed with laughter, they resume their conversation.
Brand: I know what you’re going to say.
Ross: Actually, it’s not me who’s saying anything – it’s him.
The lawyer nods gravely.
Lawyer: That’s right. A thorough investigation of a number of things brings me here.
Brand, to Ross: Bet I know what he’s going to say.
Lawyer (aside): I rather doubt it.
Ross: How much?
Brand: The cost of the postage stamp we’ve got to buy for the letter we’ve got to send to Andrew Sachs’ granddaughter.
Ross: You’re on.
The pair shake hands. Brand quips that having sealed their bet in front of the BBC’s not so famous lawyer, it is set in stone. Ten minutes pass, during which the two men are doubled up with laughter. Astonishingly, even in the midst of this paroxysm, they lose none of their sex appeal. Finally, conversation can resume.
Lawyer: I’m here to tell you to apologise.
Brand: I knew it!
Ross: Well, it wasn’t that difficult to predict, was it?
Lawyer: Yes, you must apologise forthwith.
Brand: Just to veteran Fawlty Towers actor Andrew Sachs, or to his granddaughter too? By the way, I had sex with her.
Ross and Brand collapse with laughter. When they have eventually recovered, the lawyer coughs and begins speaking again.
Lawyer: Yes, to Mr Sachs, and to his granddaughter, but also to anyone and everyone who has seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Silence. Brand is the first to speak.
Brand: That’s not funny.
Ross: No, it’s definitely not.
Lawyer: Exactly. A thorough analysis of the film has confirmed what a superficial glance suggested. It is execrable. You must apologise immediately to anyone who has seen it.
Brand: But I play a version of myself! I wear nothing but swimming trunks in several scenes, look really sexy and even pretend I can surf. I wiggle around a lot, in an ostensibly self-parodic way, but actually so that women can see just how good in bed I’d be, and men can feel inadequate. Why should I apologise for that?
Ross: Exactly, why should he apologise? If he’s got to apologise, I should too! I’m just as sexually intimidating!
Lawyer: That’s right. You must also apologise. Like your friendy-wend, you have an inflated sense of your sexual allure. It is very tiresome.
The two hilarious media personalities confer. Initially they seem fretful, but soon, as is the way with the incorrigibly comedic, they start to giggle. Before long they are laughing uproariously.
Lawyer: What is so funny?
Ross (barely able to speak for laughter): Something he said! Go on, Russ, tell him!
Brand (his features contorted in an almost orgasmic manner): OK! I will! I slept with your granddaughter! Ha ha ha!
Ross: Ha ha ha! Should he apologise?! Ha ha ha!
Brand and Ross, as one: Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! We’re so funny! And so sexy! We’re too sexy for our jobs! We’re too funny for our hats! We’re too funny for everyone! Ha ha ha!
The lawyer shakes his head and wearily leaves the office. The camera follows him as he enters the BBC canteen. There he meets Andrew Sachs, the Fawlty Towers actor.
Lawyer: I’ve seen them and told them to apologise. A letter should be with you soon. I have to say that personally I think they’re a pair of idiots. I’m very sorry for the needless distress they have caused you.
Sachs: Don’t worry, I couldn’t care less. My granddaughter wouldn’t touch either of them for all the booky-wooks in Borders. Who are they, anyway? Have they ever done anything of any real worth?
Lawyer: That’s a very good question. Unfortunately, no one knows the answer.
Photograph of Russell Brand’s incorrigibly attractive feet courtesy of BBC Radio 2′s photostream on Flickr.
What’s this? Humour? And who exactly is Blade? If I find that it’s Mr Kane, shuffling into his dingy corner in a ‘hoodie’, I shall have to have words. I find this all rather distressing as it is so far removed from the proper traditions of your firm. I should know. I used to work there.
Seriously this is great, even if it has come as a bit of a shock. Keep up the good work.
James
[...] among us does not admire the smaller half of genuinely funny (as opposed to Ross/Brand funny) comedic duo Reeves & Mortimer? Bob Mortimer only goes yet further up in our estimation [...]
So Farewell, then, Sir Fred Goodwin.
Now you are just Fred.
Not Right Said Fred, but plain Fred.
The Forfeiture Committee did for you.
No one had heard of it before,
But Dave said it had to act, and it did.
Trouble is that no one knows what to think.
Is it ‘Alas, poor Fred‘,
Or ‘Hurray! Sir Fred is dead!’?
We don’t know.
Do you?
By A. Mob, aged 1,378 and a half.
STOP PRESS:
Fed up with being stuck on the Thames in south-east England, London yesterday decided to move. In a dramatic gesture which augurs ill for the Olympics, the city upped sticks and relocated to East Anglia.
Lawyers were not consulted about the move, and the city’s precise motivation remains unclear. However, financiers fear that London’s decision is a sign that it wishes to downsize. Moreover, a source from London said: “We no longer want to be Britain’s seat of power. If the Scots can deregulate, why can’t we? East Anglia is a nice place where nothing happens. It’s time for a quiet life. Please respect our right to privacy.”
Elsewhere, Birmingham did not do anything, but Manchester was seen to be packing its bags. “There’s an opportunity for us,” said Manchester. “We can become London.”
East Anglia said: “We don’t mind. It’ll be refreshing to be associated with something other than fens and flatness.”
A cartologist at CNN, which broke the extraordinary news, was later fired.
We seem to be visually led this week but sometimes words proliferate far too much and letting an image do the talking is no bad thing. That’s another way of saying that ACCESS Agency’s work with Lego is absolutely top drawer.
Is there a geek inside all of us?
Excellent Nike ad
Memo to would-be hacks: good writing is no longer a tool of your trade
Released almost a year ago, Spada’s groundbreaking research report, British Professions Today, is available for free download
This bank is so well designed that many of its staff never go home (allegedly)
In the latest of our series of white papers, Spada Research examines trends in environmental reporting.
After a raft of phone-hacking admissions and allegations, we are no longer seen as the gruff but dependable watchdog. Neville Thurlbeck, formerly of the News of the World (part of his Damascene conversion; to be continued).