Forgetting Russell Brand

October 28, 2008

brand-feet.jpg

The scene: A windowless office deep within the White City labyrinth that is the home of the BBC. There we see Russell Brand, the famous comic genius, deep in thought as he contemplates a fascinating topic – his navel. His reverie is interrupted by the appearance of famous television presenter Jonathan Ross, who is accompanied by the BBC’s not so famous chief lawyer.

Brand: I know what you’re going to say.

Ross: Bet you don’t.

Brand: Bet I do.

Ross: Bet you don’t.

Brand: How much?

Ross: A postage stamp for the letter we’ve got to send to Andrew Sachs.

Brand: You’re on.

The pair of amusing men shake hands. Ross quips that having sealed the bet in front of the BBC’s lawyer, it is binding. Finally, after five minutes during which they are convulsed with laughter, they resume their conversation.

Brand: I know what you’re going to say.

Ross: Actually, it’s not me who’s saying anything – it’s him.

The lawyer nods gravely.

Lawyer: That’s right. A thorough investigation of a number of things brings me here.

Brand, to Ross: Bet I know what he’s going to say.

Lawyer (aside): I rather doubt it.

Ross: How much?

Brand: The cost of the postage stamp we’ve got to buy for the letter we’ve got to send to Andrew Sachs’ granddaughter.

Ross: You’re on.

The pair shake hands. Brand quips that having sealed their bet in front of the BBC’s not so famous lawyer, it is set in stone.  Ten minutes pass, during which the two men are doubled up with laughter. Astonishingly, even in the midst of this paroxysm, they lose none of their sex appeal. Finally, conversation can resume.

Lawyer:  I’m here to tell you to apologise.

Brand: I knew it!

Ross: Well, it wasn’t that difficult to predict, was it?

Lawyer: Yes, you must apologise forthwith.

Brand: Just to veteran Fawlty Towers actor Andrew Sachs, or to his granddaughter too? By the way, I had sex with her.

Ross and Brand collapse with laughter. When they have eventually recovered, the lawyer coughs and begins speaking again.

Lawyer: Yes, to Mr Sachs, and to his granddaughter, but also to anyone and everyone who has seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Silence.  Brand is the first to speak.

Brand:  That’s not funny.

Ross: No, it’s definitely not.

Lawyer: Exactly. A thorough analysis of the film has confirmed what a superficial glance suggested. It is execrable. You must apologise immediately to anyone who has seen it.

rbrand.jpg

Brand: But I play a version of myself! I wear nothing but swimming trunks in several scenes, look really sexy and even pretend I can surf. I wiggle around a lot, in an ostensibly self-parodic way, but actually so that women can see just how good in bed I’d be, and men can feel inadequate. Why should I apologise for that?

Ross: Exactly, why should he apologise? If he’s got to apologise, I should too! I’m just as sexually intimidating!

Lawyer: That’s right. You must also apologise. Like your friendy-wend, you have an inflated sense of your sexual allure. It is very tiresome.

The two hilarious media personalities confer. Initially they seem fretful, but soon, as is the way with the incorrigibly comedic, they start to giggle. Before long they are laughing uproariously.

Lawyer: What is so funny?

Ross (barely able to speak for laughter): Something he said! Go on, Russ, tell him!

Brand (his features contorted in an almost orgasmic manner): OK! I will! I slept with your granddaughter! Ha ha ha!

Ross: Ha ha ha! Should he apologise?! Ha ha ha!

Brand and Ross, as one: Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! We’re so funny! And so sexy! We’re too sexy for our jobs! We’re too funny for our hats! We’re too funny for everyone! Ha ha ha!

The lawyer shakes his head and wearily leaves the office. The camera follows him as he enters the BBC canteen. There he meets Andrew Sachs, the Fawlty Towers actor.

Lawyer: I’ve seen them and told them to apologise. A letter should be with you soon.  I have to say that personally I think they’re a pair of idiots. I’m very sorry for the needless distress they have caused you.

Sachs: Don’t worry, I couldn’t care less. My granddaughter wouldn’t touch either of them for all the booky-wooks in Borders. Who are they, anyway? Have they ever done anything of any real worth?

Lawyer: That’s a very good question. Unfortunately, no one knows the answer.

Photograph of Russell Brand’s incorrigibly attractive feet courtesy of BBC Radio 2’s photostream on Flickr

 

2 Responses to “Forgetting Russell Brand”

What’s this? Humour? And who exactly is Blade? If I find that it’s Mr Kane, shuffling into his dingy corner in a ‘hoodie’, I shall have to have words. I find this all rather distressing as it is so far removed from the proper traditions of your firm. I should know. I used to work there.

Seriously this is great, even if it has come as a bit of a shock. Keep up the good work.

James

[...] among us does not admire the smaller half of genuinely funny (as opposed to Ross/Brand funny) comedic duo Reeves & Mortimer? Bob Mortimer only goes yet further up in our estimation [...]

Comments

Please submit comments to Swordplay below.

Seven of the Best Alternative Professionals

August 30, 2010

Susan Casey’s new book, The Wave, is soon to be published. It brilliantly illumines the world of professional big wave surfing, at the same time as exploring the phenomenon of rogue waves (specifically, those which top 100ft).

Suitably inspired, we thought we’d take a look at a different kind of professionalism than is usually to be found on these pages. Those featured in our magnificent seven of alternative professionals may not wear suits for a living, still less spend their time in the boardroom, but they couldn’t do what they do if they weren’t every bit as dedicated, focused, driven and downright professional as those at the helm of a City law firm, finance house or PR company.

1. Laird Hamilton

Hamilton is the star of The Wave, and no wonder. Based on the Hawaiian island of Kauai, the man is a force of nature, a 6″3′ powerhouse who makes big wave surfing look like a walk in the park. But it isn’t. The wave known as Teahupoo, surfed by Hamilton in Tim McKenna’s picture below, is a killer. Only years of focus, training and preparation make Hamilton able to ride this wave with such aplomb.

2. Danny Way

Warning: do not watch this footage if you are afraid of heights (and squeamish). American skateboarding star Danny Way has been rebuilt more times than the bionic man. He’s also made a small fortune from a sport so often wrongly derided as ‘for kids’. Definitely not one for a suit and tie, Way nevertheless deserves respect – as much as he would appear to need a permanent personal medical staff.

3. Shane McConkey

Professional skier Shane McConkey died in March 2009 while skiing in the Dolomite Mountains in Italy. His death robbed the world of extreme sports of an athlete known for combining BASE jumping with skiing, as seen in such feats as skiing into a BASE jump off the Eiger. RIP.

4. Shaun White

There are those who say that White, snowboarder extraordinaire, has the kind of hair that is inimical to success. We say, like Forbes magazine, that if White earned $9 million from his endorsements in 2008 alone, what’s he worth now? We also say: don’t try what White does at home. Or anywhere, really.

5. DannyMacaskill

If BMX riding is jejune, does it matter? Not to Macaskill, a man who’s worth a lot of money thanks to his remarkable ability on a bike.

6. Lynn Hill

There are rock climbers, and there’s Detroit-born Lynn Hill, the woman who made the first free ascent of the infamous Nose Route on El Capitan in Yosemite Valley. Currently sponsored by the Patagonia gear and clothing company, Hill has done it all, taking phenomenal risks in the pursuit of her calling. Take a look at the intensity of her gaze: this woman would have been a genius at whatever she’d chosen to do.

7. Dallas Friday

She has the best name of any sportsperson, ever. She also looks pretty good, too, and is even better at her chosen discipline, wakeboarding. And discipline is the name of the game: as with everyone here, however outre their worlds, however extreme their sports, if they weren’t disciplined they’d not only be impoverished but also, quite possibly, dead. Respect.

Hats off to the News of the World

August 30, 2010

Fantastic sting by the News of the World, whose legendary undercover reporter, Mazher Mahmood, has pierced the heart of some disgraceful match-fixing in professional cricket. Hats off, yet again, to Mahmood, but, strangely, we feel slightly sorry for him. Will he ever be able to retire into the sun and live a normal life? Somehow we rather doubt it.

Pictured: something which is decidedly not cricket.

Judge Dread, truly dread

August 24, 2010

An Englishman’s home is his castle. This ancient tenet of English society means that when a burglar breaks into an Englishman’s home (or castle), the homeowner, or feudal Lord, is entitled to defy him. The tools of defiance are many and varied but include diplomacy (“isn’t it past your bedtime?”), wheedling (“please, my good fellow, won’t you go away?”), lies (“see that castle across the street? It’s full of gold bullion”) and weaponry (“is that a nuclear missile in my pocket, and why aren’t you terrified to see me?”).

This last, however, causes problems. When a homeowner, eager to defend his castle, shoots a burglar, all hell breaks loose. Tabloid hacks break out in sweats as they find themselves compelled to blame European laws and the politically correct for daring to wonder whether such force was necessary when, really, all that is in issue is whether shooting dead an intruder was proportionate to the perceived threat and context.

In the US, this question was recently answered in the affirmative by the excellently named Judge Carlisle Overstreet. The 65-year-old judge shot and killed an unarmed bandana-wearing burglar after the man broke into his home and started coming upstairs. According to the estimable Legal Blog Watch, the dead burglar, John Howard Jr. (who, says the Augusta Chronicle, delighted in the nickname ‘Killa’), was one of two men who broke into the judge’s house in the early hours of the morning. The other, William Omar Jacobs, turned himself in and was denied bail.

This sorry or inspirational tale begs a question. If it had happened here, would it be the first time in recorded history that a judge had killed a burglar? In fact, is this unprecedented across the pond, too? And more to the point, if anyone says the judge acted disproportionately and that he really shouldn’t be canonized, are they politically correct stooges from a morally abased, utterly bankrupt European superstate (or something like that: we confess that tabloidese eludes us)?

Pictured: a judge says “Clint Eastwood isn’t the only one who likes large handguns.” But note: she’s not Carlisle Overstreet.