hmmm

020 7269 1430

• Communication
• Legal Business
• Real Estate
• Wealth Management

Forgetting Russell Brand

October 28, 2008

The scene: A windowless office deep within the White City labyrinth that is the home of the BBC. There we see Russell Brand, the famous comic genius, deep in thought as he contemplates a fascinating topic – his navel. His reverie is interrupted by the appearance of famous television presenter Jonathan Ross, who is accompanied by the BBC’s not so famous chief lawyer.

Brand: I know what you’re going to say.

Ross: Bet you don’t.

Brand: Bet I do.

Ross: Bet you don’t.

Brand: How much?

Ross: A postage stamp for the letter we’ve got to send to Andrew Sachs.

Brand: You’re on.

The pair of amusing men shake hands. Ross quips that having sealed the bet in front of the BBC’s lawyer, it is binding. Finally, after five minutes during which they are convulsed with laughter, they resume their conversation.

Brand: I know what you’re going to say.

Ross: Actually, it’s not me who’s saying anything – it’s him.

The lawyer nods gravely.

Lawyer: That’s right. A thorough investigation of a number of things brings me here.

Brand, to Ross: Bet I know what he’s going to say.

Lawyer (aside): I rather doubt it.

Ross: How much?

Brand: The cost of the postage stamp we’ve got to buy for the letter we’ve got to send to Andrew Sachs’ granddaughter.

Ross: You’re on.

The pair shake hands. Brand quips that having sealed their bet in front of the BBC’s not so famous lawyer, it is set in stone.  Ten minutes pass, during which the two men are doubled up with laughter. Astonishingly, even in the midst of this paroxysm, they lose none of their sex appeal. Finally, conversation can resume.

Lawyer:  I’m here to tell you to apologise.

Brand: I knew it!

Ross: Well, it wasn’t that difficult to predict, was it?

Lawyer: Yes, you must apologise forthwith.

Brand: Just to veteran Fawlty Towers actor Andrew Sachs, or to his granddaughter too? By the way, I had sex with her.

Ross and Brand collapse with laughter. When they have eventually recovered, the lawyer coughs and begins speaking again.

Lawyer: Yes, to Mr Sachs, and to his granddaughter, but also to anyone and everyone who has seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Silence.  Brand is the first to speak.

Brand:  That’s not funny.

Ross: No, it’s definitely not.

Lawyer: Exactly. A thorough analysis of the film has confirmed what a superficial glance suggested. It is execrable. You must apologise immediately to anyone who has seen it.

Brand: But I play a version of myself! I wear nothing but swimming trunks in several scenes, look really sexy and even pretend I can surf. I wiggle around a lot, in an ostensibly self-parodic way, but actually so that women can see just how good in bed I’d be, and men can feel inadequate. Why should I apologise for that?

Ross: Exactly, why should he apologise? If he’s got to apologise, I should too! I’m just as sexually intimidating!

Lawyer: That’s right. You must also apologise. Like your friendy-wend, you have an inflated sense of your sexual allure. It is very tiresome.

The two hilarious media personalities confer. Initially they seem fretful, but soon, as is the way with the incorrigibly comedic, they start to giggle. Before long they are laughing uproariously.

Lawyer: What is so funny?

Ross (barely able to speak for laughter): Something he said! Go on, Russ, tell him!

Brand (his features contorted in an almost orgasmic manner): OK! I will! I slept with your granddaughter! Ha ha ha!

Ross: Ha ha ha! Should he apologise?! Ha ha ha!

Brand and Ross, as one: Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! We’re so funny! And so sexy! We’re too sexy for our jobs! We’re too funny for our hats! We’re too funny for everyone! Ha ha ha!

The lawyer shakes his head and wearily leaves the office. The camera follows him as he enters the BBC canteen. There he meets Andrew Sachs, the Fawlty Towers actor.

Lawyer: I’ve seen them and told them to apologise. A letter should be with you soon.  I have to say that personally I think they’re a pair of idiots. I’m very sorry for the needless distress they have caused you.

Sachs: Don’t worry, I couldn’t care less. My granddaughter wouldn’t touch either of them for all the booky-wooks in Borders. Who are they, anyway? Have they ever done anything of any real worth?

Lawyer: That’s a very good question. Unfortunately, no one knows the answer.

Photograph of Russell Brand’s incorrigibly attractive feet courtesy of BBC Radio 2’s photostream on Flickr.