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Nine Great Things About Spam

August 22, 2009

What did you do this morning? Likely as not you logged on, opened up your email account and sighed at the amount of spam clogging up your inbox. But spam isn’t necessarily a bad thing. And hot on the heels of revelations that two lawyers started it all, we thought it was high time for some positive PR for spam. Here goes…

1. Spam makes you feel wanted.

You’re feeling a little down in the dumps. No one has bothered to ring and suggest a pint down the pub for days, your partner isn’t talking to you and even your mum seems more interested in the Olympics than finding out whether your boss is being nice to you. Spam is the answer. Spam is always there. It’s proof that someone cares.

2. Spam is always optimistic.

Have you ever received spam which is pessimistic? Which promotes euthanasia or is in any way, at all, nihilistic? No chance. Spam says that it’s all out there, waiting to happen; that life is already great but that it can be improved just a little. Professor Pangloss would have loved spam.

3. Spam keeps you guessing.

“Full time job! International company seeks representative for UNITED KINGDOM. Full time or part time.” You can read this a hundred times, and still not know whether the company is advertising a full or part time position.

4. Spam is exclamatory.

Love ‘em or loathe ‘em, if you’re looking for GRATUITOUSLY CAPPED SENTENCES AND the consistent misuse of EXCLAMATION MARKS, spammers are your friends!!!

5. Spam comes in languages other than English.

For the world wide web’s democratic essence, read the English language’s colonisation of the known world. Not for spammers, though. Their art knows no linguistic frontiers. What does it all mean? Who cares!

6. Rather like Henry Miller, spam celebrates sex.

The Times Literary Supplement reminds us of the unflinching embrace of the flesh present in the work of Henry Miller. Likewise, the work of spammers. They toil selflessly to bring us news of how Paris Hilton had sex with aliens and how good it was. Libertarians of the world, unite, for mankind was born free but is everywhere in consensual chains of endless desire and requited lust, thanks to the spammers.

7. Spam is apolitical.

Ever get sick of the way politics intrudes in every part of your life? Of course you do. The antidote is in your spam folder. Life, there, is lived sans contention and immune from ideology. What bliss. Photo courtesy of The Alieness.

8. Spam is there to help.

“A man with a small penis is not a 100% man.” So say many spammers but their intention is not to poke fun. Instead, they kindly offer all kinds of cures for those who might not regard themselves as “100% man”. Which is nice. Photo from Creative Commons.

9. Spam creates employment.

Legions of Google minions are retained to wage war against spam, and legions of spammers are retained to create spam. Who employees them? Does it matter? At least they’re not on street corners, snarling at dogs and skateboarding.