Top Lawyer Jokes

July 30, 2009

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Lawyer jokes – you’ve gotta love ‘em. Here, as Jojo contemplates a lightbulb (courtesy of Doll Doll), are some of the best.

1. Lawyers and Lightbulbs.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many can you afford?

2. Lawyers and Used Car Salesmen.

What are lawyers for?

They make used car salesmen look good.

3. Lawyers and Terrorism.

What did the terrorist who hi-jacked a plane full of lawyers do?

He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.

4. Lawyers and Sharks.

Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

5. Lawyers and Hell.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?

Another lawyer.

6. Lawyers and Social Functions.

A doctor and a lawyer were at a party when a man approached the doctor and asked for some advice about a heart condition. After mumbling some helpful words, the doctor turned to the lawyer and said: “How do you handle being asked for professional advice at social functions?” The lawyer replied: “Just send the bill for the advice.”

Next morning the doctor issued a $50 bill to the man with the heart condition. The same day he received a $100 bill from the lawyer.

7. Lawyers and Drink Driving.

Late one night, on a deserted road, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide. There is extensive damage, but neither driver is hurt. They both get out. One of the drivers is a doctor, while the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his mobile and learns they’ll be on the scene in 20 minutes. It’s cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks thirstily and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.

Aren’t you also going to have a drink? the doctor says.

“After the police arrive,” says the lawyer.

8. Lawyers and Lawyer Jokes.

What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don’t think they’re funny – and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.

 

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Memo to Freelance Writers: return that editor’s call quickly

September 3, 2010

Woe betide those who freelance and fail to return a call.

We say this upon hearing of a normally prolific freelance journalist who picked up a voicemail from an editor at one of the nationals on Tuesday afternoon. Please call us, was the message, and it could mean just one thing – a commission.

Our hero’s habitual practice is to return such calls as soon as is reasonably practicable, as m’learned friends might put it. In practice, that would habitually mean within a couple of hours. Most atypically, and for reasons we have yet to fathom, our man failed to call back for a full 24 hours.

By then, said editor had looked elsewhere. One of our man’s competitors had the gig, an interesting piece about cricket and the law, one which might just be in The Times today and which, we assume, asks whether the Pakistan cricket team have been caught out (in the legal sense, you understand).

We make no judgement on the no ball scandal, save to say that it is a scandal, but in another sense the moral is clear: in the fast-paced world of modern media, he who hesitates is lost.

Pictured courtesy of PrintedClothing.com: a fast-selling shirt.

Seven of the Best Alternative Professionals

August 30, 2010

Susan Casey’s new book, The Wave, is soon to be published. It brilliantly illumines the world of professional big wave surfing, at the same time as exploring the phenomenon of rogue waves (specifically, those which top 100ft).

Suitably inspired, we thought we’d take a look at a different kind of professionalism than is usually to be found on these pages. Those featured in our magnificent seven of alternative professionals may not wear suits for a living, still less spend their time in the boardroom, but they couldn’t do what they do if they weren’t every bit as dedicated, focused, driven and downright professional as those at the helm of a City law firm, finance house or PR company.

1. Laird Hamilton

Hamilton is the star of The Wave, and no wonder. Based on the Hawaiian island of Kauai, the man is a force of nature, a 6″3′ powerhouse who makes big wave surfing look like a walk in the park. But it isn’t. The wave known as Teahupoo, surfed by Hamilton in Tim McKenna’s picture below, is a killer. Only years of focus, training and preparation make Hamilton able to ride this wave with such aplomb.

2. Danny Way

Warning: do not watch this footage if you are afraid of heights (and squeamish). American skateboarding star Danny Way has been rebuilt more times than the bionic man. He’s also made a small fortune from a sport so often wrongly derided as ‘for kids’. Definitely not one for a suit and tie, Way nevertheless deserves respect – as much as he would appear to need a permanent personal medical staff.

3. Shane McConkey

Professional skier Shane McConkey died in March 2009 while skiing in the Dolomite Mountains in Italy. His death robbed the world of extreme sports of an athlete known for combining BASE jumping with skiing, as seen in such feats as skiing into a BASE jump off the Eiger. RIP.

4. Shaun White

There are those who say that White, snowboarder extraordinaire, has the kind of hair that is inimical to success. We say, like Forbes magazine, that if White earned $9 million from his endorsements in 2008 alone, what’s he worth now? We also say: don’t try what White does at home. Or anywhere, really.

5. DannyMacaskill

If BMX riding is jejune, does it matter? Not to Macaskill, a man who’s worth a lot of money thanks to his remarkable ability on a bike.

6. Lynn Hill

There are rock climbers, and there’s Detroit-born Lynn Hill, the woman who made the first free ascent of the infamous Nose Route on El Capitan in Yosemite Valley. Currently sponsored by the Patagonia gear and clothing company, Hill has done it all, taking phenomenal risks in the pursuit of her calling. Take a look at the intensity of her gaze: this woman would have been a genius at whatever she’d chosen to do.

7. Dallas Friday

She has the best name of any sportsperson, ever. She also looks pretty good, too, and is even better at her chosen discipline, wakeboarding. And discipline is the name of the game: as with everyone here, however outre their worlds, however extreme their sports, if they weren’t disciplined they’d not only be impoverished but also, quite possibly, dead. Respect.

Hats off to the News of the World

August 30, 2010

Fantastic sting by the News of the World, whose legendary undercover reporter, Mazher Mahmood, has pierced the heart of some disgraceful match-fixing in professional cricket. Hats off, yet again, to Mahmood, but, strangely, we feel slightly sorry for him. Will he ever be able to retire into the sun and live a normal life? Somehow we rather doubt it.

Pictured: something which is decidedly not cricket.