One of Swordplay’s denizens has been invited to join Twitter. Admittedly he is more of a traditionalist than many of his brethren, who, even as they toil deep within the Swordplay labyrinth, have long since been Tweeting away on Twitter, the world’s latest must-have communication utility.
But our traditionalist, helpfully known as Mr Trad, is fending off the overture that has come his way. Here’s why.
1. Twitter is for Narcissists.
The invitation to join Twitter heralds its absurdity. “Twitter is a unique approach to communication and networking based on the simple concept of status. What are you doing? What are your friends doing—right now? With Twitter, you may answer this question over SMS or the Web and the responses are shared between contacts.” Mr Trad says that this is ridiculous. He doesn’t want to know what his friends are doing at any given moment of a day. And nor does he want them to know what he is doing. Only a narcissist would feel otherwise.
2. Twitter, like Facebook, is predicated on guilt.
For “the simple concept of status”, read the delicate question of guilt. Mr Trad succumbed to numerous suggestions that he sign up to Facebook, only to realise that it works on guilt. You feel guilty if you reject a friend request, and so you confirm it. You feel guilty if you haven’t got many friends, when everyone else seems to have so many, and so you indiscriminately accept any old offer that comes along. Your new ‘friends’ deluge you with instant message pop ups, invites to events and Facebook emails. Again, you feel guilty if you don’t reply. Twitter is clearly the next step in this nonsensical process.
3. Twitter is desperately dull.
Many people only Tweet when they have nothing better to do (cf., what people write on their Facebook walls). Of what conceivable interest is it to know that John is watching TV? That David has bought sushi for the evening? That Alison thinks gardening is hard work? None of these declarations are rendered any more worthwhile by the ‘@’ preface.
4. Twitter is a waste of time.
Its advocates celebrate the immediacy of Twitter, but Mr Trad begs to differ. For Mr Trad, already a busy man, the idea of having his working day interrupted by a series of Tweets is of no appeal whatsoever.
5. Twitter is a hostage to fortune.
As day follows night, there will be a libel case arising from a misconceived Tweet. Twitter’s very immediacy means that there is no filter, nothing to deter those who prefer to shoot first and ask questions later. This means that in signing up to Twitter, you render yourself a hostage to fortune. The lawyers are out there, waiting to pounce, and pounce they will.
6. Twitter is for stalkers.
What sort of person uses Twitter? Mr Trad reckons there are two. On the one hand, there are the narcissists, whether they be celebrities or wannabes for whom Twitter offers a Warholian semblance of fame, while on the other, there are plain old stalkers. These people use Twitter because they like to know every little pointless thing about other people, in the hope that they’ll find something in common. They include the mad, the deranged, the desperate and the IT departments of many major corporations (stalkers can big as well as small), who duly report their findings to the marketing department.
7. Twitter is inimical to communication.
Those at Twitter’s helm believe that they help facilitate communication. They don’t. The minimalist nature of the 140-character service is yet another nail in the coffin of good writing. Soon, a fusion of text-and-Twitter speak will dominate the world, but Mr Trad wants no part of it.
8. Twitter has a stupid name.
This, surely, is Twitter’s worst crime. How can a serious person engage in the process of Tweeting? Mr Trad says he’s sticking with what he knows best – postcards, letters and emails. Why, he might even write a blog about all this. Anything, so long as he doesn’t become @Trad, on Twitter, tweeting about such excitings things as – how he is just about to Tweet.
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